Pittsburgh
by Gibby6247
Summary: Sam is tired. He gives in but people show up to try to change his point of view. Team One tries to find the source of their teammates problems and solve it together. Now Complete but there may be a bonus chapter later. Trigger Warning: Suicide/Attempted Suicide Enjoy and please review. Inspired by The Amity Affliction - Pittsburgh (hence the name of the fanfiction)
1. Chapter 1

**AN: The lyrics are from "Pittsburgh" by The Amity Affliction. I highly recommend the song, it's great. Lyrics are italic. I do not own any of the music in this fic. All rights are to The Amity Affliction and the company they're labeled under. This is my second fanfiction but the first one I actually put time into so Please Review**

It's five am Thursday morning. The weather is near perfect, with a slight breeze and very few clouds. Sam is wearing old jeans and an plain t shirt along with the leather jacket the team got him for his birthday last year. He's just sitting there, on the rarely used bridge overpass, enjoying the picturesque skyline. The sky is various shades of blue, purple, orange and red. All the different hues blend together perfectly and look brilliant in their combination. Sam has a perfect view. The bridge is old and worn down, there are basically no railings. The only border from the road to the river below is an old guard rail that's a few feet off the ground. Sam sits with his legs hanging off the edge of the bridge, a bag next to him. He's resting his arms off the railing as he watches the sunrise.

Admittedly the view could be better, hills in the horizon instead of highways, roads and buildings, but it's the best thing Sam's seen for a while. Hostage situations. The dying. The desperate. People begging for life. People who want to kill themselves. The job takes more than it's fair share of people's souls. It all sticks with you, everything you hear and everything you see. Sam thinks of his job at the SRU as a sort of sandpaper. The sandpaper grinds away at your soul, your core. You would think, over time, it would become dull and have less of an effect, well it doesn't. If you're alone you're soul is eventually reduced to dust. All you've seen gets to you and you walk around feeling lost, like a giant holes in your chest. Sometimes you can push it back and live life even though you feel it looming over you all the time, waiting to strike you down at your weakest moment. Other times you can't.

The blonde SRU agent is watching the sunrise without a smile. It's now 5:20am and the sun is almost full set in the sky. Instead of a smile being on his face, Sam has an impeccable mask in it's place. He knows he's running out of time so he takes his head off his arms for the first time and shifts his gaze to his bag. Removing his arms from around the guard rail, he opens the bag and pulls out a notebook and pen.

He scoots back from the edge to sit with his legs folded under him. Opening the notebook, Sam takes one last look at the horizon then begins to write.

 **I'm done. I'm tired of feeling this way, knowing I don't deserve to be here. For a while I was in denial. I thought working as SRU would help me atone for all I've done, everyone I've killed. I was wrong.**

 **Nothing will make what I'm about to do okay but maybe you'll understand after reading this. I don't deserve any of this, not my status or metals, not my wealth and definitely not my friends.**

 **I know what you're going to say and what you think. I'm not doing this just because of Matt. I won't lie, that's a major part of it but I've killed more than you all combined. I'm just so tired of feeling alone. Everyday I wake up after nightmare plagued sleep just wishing it would all stop. Even when I'm feeling okay, the soul crushing depression is just waiting for me, lurking in the shadows of my mind. Trust me, there are a lot of shadows. Sometimes it's so dark in there I get lost.**

 _ **I've been searching for an exit but I'm lost inside my head;  
**_ _ **Where I spend every waking moment wishing this would end.  
**_ _ **I can't take another step, I cannot live inside my mind,  
**_ _ **I can't face another day, I am so fucking tired.  
**_ _ **For I am lost right now as the ocean deep,  
**_ _ **I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.  
**_ _ **Yeah I am lost right now as the ocean deep,  
**_ _ **I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.**_

 **I'm sorry I have to do this because I know how you'll react. Don't blame yourselves.  
Sarge and Wordy:There's nothing you could have said. I've made up my mind, it's over now. Thank you for listening when I wanted to talk  
Jules:You're the closest to my younger sister's replacement anyone has ever gotten. Don't beat yourself up about this. You didn't see because I didn't want you to.  
Ed:There's nothing you could have done. You've already done so much, been more of a father to me than the General in the short time I knew you. Spike:You almost make we want to not do this. I know how much Lew broke you up and don't want you to have to go through that again but this is something I need to do. Thanks for just being a friend.**

 **Goodbye**

 **SAMUEL W. BRADDOCK**

Sam glances at his watch again, wondering how much time had gone by. A brief look of shock flashes across his face. It's now 5:40am. He knows the team will be looking for him soon because they usually meet at work around 5:30am,and he's never late. Placing the notebook down, while it's still open, he puts his jacket on the ground next to his bag. He wants them to at least have the jacket as something to remember him by later.

Sam sighs and runs his hand through his hair. It's now or never. Slowly, he swings his legs over the guard rail and hangs on to it with his hands. He takes a deep breath, staring at the sky for the last time, then he jumps.

The water is much colder than the air. The blonde SRU agent hits the water like a rock and immediately begins sinking. Glancing around under water, he sees that even the river is beautiful. The different hues of blue being reflected by the light, the air bubbles, and random seaweed; yes this is a good way to go. Sam knows he can hold his breathe for a least a minute, which will prologue this some, but he also knows he can't even remotely swim.

Before Sam can take his first water filled breath, he sees something out of the corner of his eye. The blonde young man turns quickly to see what it was only to gasp in shock. Standing there, in the water, was none other than his younger sister and Matt. Obviously, he knows this is a hallucination of some sort, but he's no were near dead enough yet to see ghost. Right?

By now the lack of oxygen starts to make his lungs ache for air. Sam ignores it, it's what he was waiting for anyway. Instead he focuses on the looks on the "ghosts" faces. He expects to see joy or at least some happiness, he's joining them after all, but all he was met with was sorrow and maybe a little regret. Sam tilts his head in confusion. What do they want him to do? He knows he doesn't belong and can't make up for what he's done. Is this too easy of a way to go?

The blonde SRU agent shuts his eyes in frustration. His lungs are defiantly burning now, begging for air and it's only a matter of time before his body takes an involuntary gulp of water. Suddenly, Sam opens his eyes and takes in the new imaginary spectators of his suicide. Around him stands the other members of the SRU, all looking upset and disappointed. Seeing their faces, and looking at his sister and Matt again, are all he needs to understand. No matter what he's done or how dark it gets in his head, they care about him. They're his family, alive and dead. Sam knows he needs to try continue on for them. It'll be hard but they will help him.

 _I've been searching for an exit but I'm lost inside my head;_  
 _Where I spend every waking moment, wishing I was dead._  
 _I'll take another step for you -_  
 _I'll shed my tears until I drown, or until I am underground._  
 _I'll take another breath for you..._  
 _Will you still be there when I'm home, out from the great unknown?_

Sam struggles to breathe and tries to hold out until he reaches the surface. Knowing he's taken in too much water already, he fights as had as he can to live. The blonde young man vaguely remembers Wordy trying to teach him how to swim. He recalls that moving his arms and legs are the main point, obviously, but not much else. Praying, for the first time in a while, that he'll make it, Sam tries his best. The SRU agent's movements are uncoordinated at best but do some of the job. Finally, he breaks the surface and not without much effort on his part. The river's current has already pushed Sam several feet past where he jumped and is making treading water extremely difficult. He isn't giving up. With renewed vigor, Sam struggles with everything he has left. His head goes under the water many times, it seems like Sam will lose this fight but his prayer is answered. As the river curves, before extending into the ocean, the current pushes Sam against rocks but also against land. Sam washes up on the embankment with one final push of the water.

Anyone passing by will assume he's dead. The young man's body is laying on the ground competently still, no signs of life. The waves lap up at his feet and the sun stands proudly where it decided to rest. That's the problem with heartache and depression, no matter how bad it is the world continues on uninterrupted. Luckily, Sam is meant to continue on with it today.

Suddenly, Sam rolls on his side and beings coughing. He manages to cough up a few cups of water while clutching at he ground in pain. Sam turns back over, to lay on his back, after coughing up majority of the water. He smiles softly at the sky, soaked and exhausted, but somewhat glad to be alive. There is no moment of clarity. Just because made the decision to live now doesn't mean it's over. Far from it in fact. Sam's still depressed, there's still an ache, it's just different somehow. Maybe because he's determined to get better and will have help. All Sam really knows at this point is it that, for the first time in a while, he passes out with a smile on his face.

 **AN: If you're interested my first story is a Numb3rs fanfiction about someone stalking Charlie (I must warn you, it isn't written as well as this one, which isn't too good in the first place).**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I finally sat down and wrote the second chapter. It was almost something from the other's perspectives but I couldn't settle on a way to write it so this is all like the previous chapter.**

The hospital room is dull and drab. As usual, everything is stark white with no imagination. The saving grace for the room is the large floor to ceiling windows. On the opposite side the wall is also made of the glass, giving a perfect view inside from the nurses' station. In this particular room, an almost standard single hospital room, the windows cannot be opened and all glass is of plexus glass. The other items are also slightly different than the usual. The bed is still situated in the middle of the room but the guard rails are locked in the up position and the restraints are sturdier than typical hospital standards.

Overall the largest difference, in this section of the hospital ward is that the young blonde patient laying on the bed is strapped down. The blonde, Sam Braddock, is fit from his work with the SRU causing the orderlies to use more restraints than they typically do.

Sam lies, unconscious, with an oxygen mask and a single IV. The nurses come and go periodically to check on him, making sure someone is there when he awakes. A few nurses mull about talking of their patients.

One sighs while checking her phone causing the other to look up questioningly, "What's the matter Christine? Well besides the usual." She gives a sad smile. It's tough working in the suicide watch ward of the hospital and it isn't even the real mental ward.

"It's just the John Doe that was brought in earlier." The nurses turn to look into Sam's room. "I contacted a friend with the police and asked for more information. To be driven to something like that." Christine trails off, shaking her head. "I just wish we could contact someone Sandy. They'd would be able to help him or at least know his name to greet him when he wakes up."

The other nurse sighs as well, "We can't help them all."

Just as she finishes her sentence a police officer walks up to the nurse station. He flashes them a charming smile, "Good Morning Ladies."

Christine smiles, "Hey Officer Lane. Did you find any information for me?"

He smiles again, "Why do you think I stopped by? A bag was turned in. Apparently it was on the overpass where the guy jumped from. Some kids picked it up before the EMTs and police arrived. Their parents found out so they turned it in. The officer's on the way here to check the id with your John Doe."

Christine and Sandy smile relived, "That's great Roy. I hope he has family or friends we can contact for him. I would hate to see him come to alone."

"Who's this John Doe who has won you're hearts", Roy asks teasingly.

Sandy points to the room Sam's in, "He's right there. Want to take a peek?"

Shrugs. He was going to wait until the officer arrived anyway. "Why not?"

She walks around the nurse station to lead into Sam's room. Once they reach the entrance Sandy opens the door slowly, so as to not wake Sam, and walks into the room.

"Shhh. He's still recuperating from all the water we had to take out of his lungs." She turns to look at only to discover he's not there. Looking over her shoulder, the blonde sees him standing by the door with a somewhat dumbfounded expression. "What's the matter?"

Officer Lane closes his mouth, "I know him. He tried to kill himself?"

Christine walks up behind him upon seeing the strange scene from the nurse station, "You know him?!"

He whips out his phone, "Well I don't know him know him. He works with my brother on the SRU. If I'm right his name is Sam Braddock. ", Lane scrolls through his phone quickly. Pulling out a pen, he grabs Christine's hand and writes down a number.

Confused, she doesn't move, "What are you doing?"

"You need to call this number. A Sargent Greg Parker should pick up. When he does ask if he knows where Sam is."

Sandy walks over to and they usher out of the room, "Why would she need to ask? I thought you said you knew the guy."

Shaking his head Roy replies, "I only met him once or twice. It could just be someone who looks like him so until we get a positive id-"

Christine cuts him off, understanding the plan, "Or find out if Sam's not at work and isn't answering his phones."

"Yeah. Until then just ask if he's there. If he isn't and they're looking for him tell them to come down to the hospital." He selects his brother's number to call him about Sam.

"Who are you calling?"

"My brother Ed. He's the team leader and a hardass so if Sam isn't there he'll know about it."

* * *

 **Ed's Call**

The other members of the SRU are standing in the conference room. Jules is sitting at the table, with Spike, staring out the window. Wordy is walking around the conference room with his phone pressed to his ear. He has been calling Sam nonstop once the blonde was 30minutes late to their actual shift. Greg is leaning out of the entrance to the room talking to Winnie. The secretary had been contacting other people who knew Sam, an unfortunately short list, in hopes of someone being with him. Ed lane is standing in his usual fashion, arms crossed, while trying to figure out why Sam could possibly be an hour late to their shift. He and Sam are similar in some regards, one being the dedication and respect they have for their jobs. There is a nagging feeling in the back of his mind saying something is wrong for the young SRU agent to not be here.

The team leader, Ed, is pulled out of his thoughts by his cell phone ringing. He answers it without checking the caller id.

"Ed Lane."

"Hey Ed-"

"Roy." Ed steps into the corner of the conference room for some privacy. As he moves Greg's phone also rings. "What's going on? Why are you calling?"

He hears a sigh from his brother. The others, besides Greg, turn to look at him now and glance between him and Greg. The boss is also on the phone and is still standing in the entrance of the conference room.

"Have you heard from the blonde kid on your team? The one who served as a sniper. It's Sam Braddock right?"

Ed glances at the rest of the team, "No we haven't heard from Sam. You know something? He's over an hour late for our shift."

"I think I might. Come down to the hospital this isn't something I want to tell you over the phone."

One look tells the other members from the SRU something has happened.

* * *

 **Greg's call**

Sargent Greg Parker is standing in the entrance of the conference room. They have been calling anyone who might know Sam and have possibly seen him. None of the SRU members want to admit it out loud but Sam's over an hour late, something must have happened. He leans against the door frame while waiting for Winne to finish her call. Just as she hangs up, Sarge's phone starts ringing.

He sighs then answers, "Sargent Greg Parker."

A young woman spoke up nervously, "Hello. My name is Christine, I'm a nurse at Memorial. You work for the SRU right?"

Sarge looks at his team in the conference room. He sees them glancing between him and Ed, who has also received a call, "That's right. How can I help you?"

"Has anyone not shown up today?"

"That's right actually. We're missing a Sam Braddock. He's a blonde haired male in his late 20's with a muscular build." He made sure to give a description just in case. "Do you know something?"

"I'm sorry Sir, I can't give any details over the phone. Can you come down to Memorial?"

"Yes. Of course."

* * *

Ed and Greg hang up around the same time. They both walk back to the table in the middle of the room.

Ed decides to speak first, "I just got a call from Roy asking if Sam was here." Everyone stops what they're doing and all have shocked expressions, besides Greg.

"I just got a very similar call from a nurse at Memorial. Something did happen. I'm not sure what but it seems to be very bad."

"Roy said it was something serious but didn't want to say what on the phone."

Jules stands abruptly, "So what are we waiting for? Let's go. Whatever it is, Sam probably needs us."

Spike joins her as she heads out of the room, "She's right. We need to get over there."

Sighing Greg motions for them to stop, "And we are going to go. We just need to take a breath and be prepared. Whatever happened was bad enough for them not to give us any details over the phone and-"

Wordy crosses his arms and cuts Greg off, "Yeah but Sarge nurses aren't supposed to give out patient info over the phone."

"But brother's can." Ed nods in agreement. "Why would Roy not tell his brother details of what happened to a member of his team? We just need to be mentally prepared for whatever we do or don't find."

After utterances of agreement, team heads out to the SUVs. They stop briefly to tell Winnie to put the backup team on call due to something urgent about Sam coming up. The secretary nods in concern but doesn't ask any questions, knowing she'll get the full rundown once they're back. The SRU team piles into their vehicles and head to the hospital while trying to mentally prepare themselves.

 **AN: So I'll have another chapter up in a few days if not tomorrow. There's only one or two more chapters after this one.**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: A little later than I said but it's here. One chapter left after this one and then maybe an epilogue.**

The SRU arrived at Memorial fairly quickly due to breaking the speed limit. They double parked, more concerned with Sam's well-being than getting towed, and raced to the front desk. Memorial was surprisingly vacant. Besides nurses, doctors, security, and of course patients, there weren't too many visitors this early in the morning.

Greg stopped at the front desk while the others waited behind. They were all pent up with different emotions and didn't want to overwhelm the worker before they found out where Sam was.

"Sargent Greg Parker of the SRU. I was called to come see about a Samuel Braddock."

The desk worker looked through the computer for any information. She pulled out a pad and pencil then began writing. "You're in luck Sargent Parker. He was listed as a John Doe but an officer just came over with his personal items." The woman passed him the paper. "I've listed the floor and room number there. It's right in front of the nurses station. If you need to speak to a doctor ask a nurse and they'll find the attending."

Greg barely uttered a thank you before turning away. He told the team where the room was then they began their ascent to the fourth floor. The elevator ride was short, tension filled the air while they worried about what state they might find Sam in. As soon as the elevator stopped the team jogged down the hallway trying to reach Sam's room as fast as possible without actually running. Ed, who was near the front of the group, slowed their pace when he saw his brother standing near the nurses station.

"Roy, the hell is going on?!"

Officer Lane approached the group, taking in the concerned yet determined looks. He tried not to be defensive at his brother's tone, "I don't know Ed. All I know is that a nurse friend of mine was worried about a John Doe who supposedly jumped off a bridge overpass this morning. She asked if I could find anything out for her. I contacted the on scene who said they just got a call from some kid's mom. A few kids took a bag off the overpass before anyone arrived on scene. I came over to tell her and decided to take a look at the John Doe." Roy Lane paused, he looked at the disbelieving faces of the SRU. "Which is when I found out the John Doe was Braddock and called you."

Team one of the SRU all showed their shock in different ways but they all had the same sinking feeling of dread in their stomachs.

Jules broke from her stupor first, "Sam wouldn't do that, that's ridiculous."

The team made various murmurs of agreement causing Roy to sigh. "Yeah well, just follow me then. They won't let you go inside but you can look through the window."

They move further down the hallway, past the nurse station and stopped outside of the room Sam was in. With a collective inhale, they take in the sight of their team member. No matter how much the wanted to deny Roy's claim, Sam seemed down but he wouldn't do something like that, the evidence was rock solid. Why else would they be viewing their teammate, who is strapped down to the bed, in the suicide watch section of the hospital?

Only Spike and Jules allow the shock to show on their faces. After all they spent the most time with the blonde SRU agent outside of work. Everyone noticed when Sam began acting differently but Jules and Spike were the first. They were both best friends with the lovable sniper and were appalled at their inability to stop Sam from doing something so drastic. Both thought they knew Sam enough to know if he ever showed the warning signs of coming close to committing suicide. Obviously they missed something.

Ed, the perpetual tough guy, had a impressive blank look on his face while he took in the implications of his team member lying there. There were a few hundred questions going through his mind. Ed sees this all the time. There was even a case where the man who helped train him was going to commit suicide inside of the SRU headquarters. He's team leader, second in charge after Sarge, and it's job to make sure everyone is okay, physically and mentally, to work. They had all been overlooking Sam's out of the norm behavior, no one wanting to come to the dreaded conclusion that it's all just becoming too much for him. There are a lot of similarities between himself and Sam, one being their inability to know when to stop and ask for help. One thing Ed was sure of is that helping Sam return to being a happy and mentally stable SRU officer would be no small feat.

Instead of shock, Wordy seemed disappointed and regretful. He had always told the younger member that he would be there to listen if there was anything pressing on his mind. There was also an open invitation at his house, or Ed's, for Sam to stop by or spend the night. Both his and Ed's kids would be happy to have "Uncle Sam" around for a day or two. However, Wordy also understood Sam's need to not feel like a burden, he's met the General after all. Growing up with someone as strict as the General could damage anyone as a child. The damage done to Sam was the need to be and feel independent.

Sarge's expression was something akin to disappointment and regret, just like Wordy's. As the boss, Sarge tried to be receptive to his agent's moods. Whenever he thought someone seemed especially down he would invite them to talk or simply hang out. They all had a first hand understanding of how this job could get to you. Of how it covers everything with a blanket of depression that eventually seeps into your pores. Where you're lucky if the only repercussion you get is of faces you couldn't save stopping you from sleeping. There are plenty of cases where the job has gotten too much for people, the reason talking is so, so important.

Officer Lane broke the tense silence that settled over the hospital hallway. "I have his personal effects from the officer." He passed the bag over to Greg. "Braddock left his badge, off duty service weapon, jacket and a notebook. The first page of the book is the suicide note."

The young nurse from before, Christine, approached the team from the nurse station. She had a stack of papers in her hand. "Hi, I'm Christine the nurse who spoke to Sargent Parker on the phone."

Greg smiled sadly, "Hello Christine. Thank you for calling."

"It's no problem. We get a lot of sad cases so if there's anyway we can help we try." The nurse passed the papers to Greg. "I ran off some copies of the note. Typically these aren't the type of thing you want to read out loud." Sarge took one then passed the rest out to the others. The unspoken consensus was to wait until they reached the waiting room to begin reading. "I can fetch the attending if you want to know the details of Sam's condition."

"That would be great thank you."

Each floor of the hospital has little waiting rooms scattered about. The little waiting rooms were mainly needed if visitors needed to leave a room so a doctor or nurse could come in or if a patient could only have one visitor at a time, a common occurrence in the suicide watch ward. Roy led them down the hall, around the corner, and into one of said rooms. He glanced around, the thankfully empty waiting area, quickly before saying goodbye, stating that he needed to get back to work.

Team one didn't have to wait long before the attending came to update them on Sam's condition.

"I assume you're the team members of my John Doe, Sam Braddock."

Ed and Greg rose to shake hands with the man.

"Ah, are either of you a," the doctor glanced down at the clipboard. "Gregory Parker or Ed Lane?"

The team boss and leader nodded their heads in confirmation.

"Good that means I can tell you about your friend without being in legal trouble. He has you both listed as next of kin."

The doctor extended his arm to the chairs by the rest of the team. "Let's take a seat gentlemen."

After they were seated, facing the doctor in trepidation, he continued. "To begin my name is Dr. Morgan. I was the attending was Sam was brought in this morning. His condition is stable." Dr. Morgan watched the team visibly relax at his words. "The main problem being he tried to commit suicide." He then hands Greg a stack of pamphlets off of the clipboard. "Here are some suicide prevention groups, support groups, and a few references to therapists. I strongly suggest he sees a therapist and attends a support group, too many people end up in the suicide ward more than once. From what the on scene told me,Sam may have already made the decision to live."

Jules looked on in confusion, "What makes you say that Doc?"

"A few walkers found him washed up on an embankment. They and the EMTs say he probably turned himself over to help cough up water. Then you have the added fact of his sheer will power to live. Any other person would have either died there or here in the hospital because of water in take and simply tiredness from being in the ice cold water for more than a few minutes. Sam has shown no signs of not being able to breathe on his own after we got rid of majority of the water in his lungs. Don't get me wrong. He's having a little trouble but he's breathing by himself and that's what counts. There is also a risk of sickness from bacteria in the water and from laying on the beach soaking wet in cold temperatures. We were already going to keep him for a few days, because of the suicide portion, but we are going to be watching his temperature carefully." Dr. Morgan paused to take a breathe. "The last thing you need to know is that he's in a coma-"

Spike cut him off, "I thought you said he was fine?"

"He is. A coma is not uncommon in this case. He should wake up any time now. We did run a ct scan and mri just in case but found no head injuries to cause a coma. Sometimes they just need time. The good news is that in this type of coma the patient can usually hear what is going on around them. They may even respond with the clenching of a fist or twitching toes. Just give him some time and he'll wake up on his own."

Wordy asked the question on everyone's minds, "When can we see him?"

The doctor stood, getting ready to deliver news to his other patient's families, "You can go now if you like. Because it's the suicide ward I have to say you can only go in one at a time."

The members of Team One nodded in understanding before standing up and seeing the doctor off. They plopped back down in the plastic waiting room chairs. Understandably, they all looked morose and tired despite it being early in the morning. After a few exchanged looks, they stood in unison then walked back over to Sam's room.

Outside of his room Ed stood in front of the viewing window, arms crossed. He turned back to the rest of the team, "Okay. Who wants to go first?"

 **AN: I know there's some tense mistakes in there somewhere. Sorry about that. I try to proof read but it only works so much.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: So sorry guys. It's been a while because my internet was down until today. As a treat (more like coincidentally because I wanted to get everyone's character right) this chapter is the longest yet. Thanks as always for reviewing and Enjoy.  
** **WARNING: There are some spoilers in here if you don't know about Lew but other than that I just reached season 4 (I'm on episode 2) so there shouldn't be any other spoilers.**

"I'll go." Jules steps up, out of the line the rest of the team one has formed, to Ed.

He turns his stern gaze towards her, "Are you sure Jules?"

Her eyes flit from Sam lying on the bed back to Ed standing in front of the window, "Yes. I'm sure." As she makes her way to the entrance of Sam's room Wordy stops her.

"What about the note?"

The team glances at each other. If the note is a general suicide note it will be immensely painful to read but they should do it together. On the other hand, if it's a suicide note with specific parts referenced to each of them, personalized with words meant to be somewhat private, then they should read it separately. The easiest solution would be to just check the note for particulars and go from there. No one wanted to begin reading though.

After being at a standstill for a minute or so, Spike speaks up, "Well if Samo wrote one letter then it's for all of us but he probably singled us out in the letter to explain what happened."

"Which means it doesn't matter if we read it together or not." Jules nods understandingly.

"Exactly."

Sarge, who has been silently taking it all in until now, thought about Sam. He thought of his silent suffering but constant need to make sure others don't suffer. The team boss still remembers how the young blonde told him the switch to SRU was so he could really help people. Ignoring the fact that he would be their serrrera most of the time due to his sniping skills and while Sam's definitely good at what he does, his past would make the job extra painful.

"No, it matters to Sam." Everyone turns their attention to Greg. "Sam always has our backs and he knows us all personally. It would be clear to him, even in his pain that we wouldn't really want to read this letter out loud together. Doing that would make it seem impersonal and just wrong."

Wordy nods in consent, "It's true. Even when Sam was acting off this whole time he still made time for us. He offered to help out Jules with some more reno, take Clark to a party, and a tone of other things. He would have written separate letters if he could just to explain to each of us."

"Which is exactly what I was getting at, thank you Wordy. Sam must have been in a incredible amount of pain emotionally to not write separate letters. He knows how we feel about suicide and would have tried to ease our guilt of not helping him more anyway he can. But it doesn't matter why he didn't write specific letters we should read them separately because that's what Sam would have wanted."

Jules nods as the rest of the team speaks different forms of agreement. With a sigh, she clutches the letter and enters Sam's room.

Ed, still facing away from the window, looks at the rest of the team. "Come over here to give them some privacy."

"That's a good idea Eddy. Jules doesn't need us watching her."

The remaining four members of team one wordlessly line up against the wall to Sam's room. There is no conversation and scarcely any breathing. The only sounds in the hospital wings are coming from the nurses, doctors, patients and now some other visitors. With nothing but their thoughts of what they're going to say, the rest of the team waits silently for Jules to exit Sam's room.

* * *

The sole female member of team one approaches Sam's bed cautiously. Suicide is something they deal with on the near daily basses but this if the first time it has come this close. She shakes her head and plops into the chair next to her teammate's bed. After just sitting there for a minute, contemplating how she let this happen, she loosens her grip on the suicide note.

Tears immediately spring into to her eyes as she begins reading. A few manage to leak out as the brunette reads the song Sam wrote in the note. She scoffs to herself, having no idea Sam could even write poetry or a song, wondering what else they missed. Instead of dwelling on it any longer, she continues reading.

The letter is short and to the point but get's the message across. How could she not have seen this? Was he suffering this whole time? If she had been a little better at her job maybe she would have noticed before Sam tired to take his own life. Knowing wallowing in self pity will get her no where, Jules chokes back the new tears threatening to spill over and re reads the portion of the letter meant specifically for her.

 **Jules:You're the closest to my younger sister's replacement anyone has ever gotten. Don't beat yourself up about this. You didn't see because I didn't want you to.**

Once upon a time they were in love, or at least almost in love. The job is her life and his as well so their relationship would have never worked. If it continued they would both end up in trouble at best and killed at worst, neither of which seemed like a good option. Ultimately, it was Jules who decided to break it off. It would be a lie if the brunette said she doesn't spend some time wondering what could have been but she would never exchange it for their current relationship. To know Sam thinks of her as his younger sister causes so much love to surge up in her it's nearly overwhelming. Add the fact that he's specifically telling her none of this is her fault causes Jules to shed more tears.

The brunette balls the note up in her hand. She resolutely raises the other hand to wipe away the tears and sits up a little straighter. The knowledge Sam thinks of her has a younger sibling even when she missed the warning signs of his increasing depression, and doesn't blame her strengthens, her resolve to help him.

Clearing her throat she begins speaking, praying her teammate can really hear her. "Hey Sam." The female SRU agent gives a wet chuckle, "What are you doing? You know you could have come to us right? We wouldn't have treated you any differently. I know you Sam, I know you and I get you need to be independent all the time but you cannot keep up all this self sacrificing." She pauses to get her thoughts together and formulate her words carefully, "I understand. The job gets to us all but this is more than the job isn't it. It's more than Matt and your sister and the job, it's everything all at once." Jules reaches over to take his hand. "We're going to help you Sam. You're not doing this alone whether you want to or not and you'll make it. It's going to be hard and maybe you'll begin to hate us a little for pushing but we won't let go. You're not going to do this alone anymore."

With a squeeze of his hand, the Jules stands to leave the room. She tosses one last look over her shoulder and a faint smile appears on their face. This may be one of the hardest things team one has ever done but they'll do it and they won't give up.

* * *

All eyes are on Jules as she exits the room. They take in her expression, still sorrowful but much more determined than when she first entered and breathe a bit easier. Maybe the note isn't as emotionally draining as everyone originally thought.

Jules sees their slight relief, "Nope."She smiles wryly, "It's tougher than you think because it's Sam."

Wordy nods and tires to steel himself, much like the rest of the team. There is no question as to who is next. Spike wordlessly leans off of the wall and walks into Sam's room.

The Italian's face is beet red, his lips pressed in a thin line, as he gets ready to face his best friend. Anger causes him to not be able to sit still so Spike paces around the room. The letter is crumpled in his fist as he walks stiffly from one side of the room to the other. If this were a cartoon steam would be coming out of his ears by now. He opens his mouth to begin speaking but only Italian curses come out.

How could Sam do this? He knows how much what happened to Lew, his last best friend, still bothered him. Why wouldn't it? Essentially Lew also killed himself. It took a long time, and a few therapy sessions, but Spike finally came to terms with why Lew lifted his foot off the mine that day. It was to save him.

There was a reason why Lew died that day but Sam would have died for nothing. He would have died because they couldn't do their jobs and protect people. Team one failed. Spike failed.

He looks at his best friend lying there and deflates. The Italian SRU agent's hands loosen and his face is a little less red while he drops in the seat next to his teammate's bed. How could Sam do this? Didn't he know how the team would react, Spike specifically? Running a hand down his face, the Italian finally reads the letter. Much like Jules, tears are threatening to spill out of his eyes at the very beginning. Once he read the part specifically for him it was as if the dam to his tear ducts opened up.

 **Spike:You almost make we want to not do this. I know how much Lew broke you up and don't want you to have to go through that again but this is something I need to do. Thanks for just being a friend.**

Sam, his teammate and best friend, thanked him for being a friend in a suicide note. If Spike was a good enough friend Sam wouldn't even be here. Right?

"I am so sorry Sam. I couldn't help you before you got this desperate. Even after you tried to kill yourself I was being selfish and wondering how you could do this to me." Spike wipes the tears off his face. "I'm really sorry Sam. When you wake up I swear I'll do better as a best friend. I get this was something you thought you had to do but you didn't. You could have come to us. I know you have this thing about getting help but I already told you you can call me anytime and about how therapy has helped me." Suddenly, Spike stands. He clenches his fists again as his face turns red. "We're going to help you, no matter what. When you get up you'll probably say you don't want my help. Let me tell you Sam Braddock you're getting it whether you want it or not."

Spike turns around and leaves without another glance.

* * *

The team is slightly concerned when Spike leaves Sam's room. They've seen that look on his face before. The crazed and maybe a little manic look of determination and resolve. They should probably be more concerned than they are, after last times aftermath, but instead feel pride welling about how Spike will be willing to go to get Sam back on his feet.

With a quick nod at Sarge and Ed, Wordy enters Sam's room. He sits down to grab Sam's hand, checking him over to see the damage. The blonde looks a little worse for wear but has no major outward injuries. Word just spends a minute looking at his teammate wondering how they let it get so far.

After about a minute, he begins to read the letter. The guilt and sadness he feels while reading the letter washes over him.

 **Wordy:There's nothing you could have said. I've made up my mind, it's over now. Thank you for listening when I wanted to talk**

Sam knows them well but that the young man's sentiments don't ease the guilt. There is also a bit of disappointment. Yes, some of it is directed at Sam but most of it's directed at himself and the rest of team one. How could they have been so blind? It's literally team one's job to help people when they've "made up their mind" to harm themselves or someone else. The saddest part to Wordy is the fact that the person typically can usually be talked down. Sam is family, they would have done anything, said anything, so he wouldn't have tired to commit suicide.

Wordy takes a deep breath and beings to speak, "Hey Sam." He sighs, "Look, I know you know we would have talked you down if we could. Some way or the other we would have made sure the only way you got off that bridge was by walking or being dragged. Which is why you didn't want us there. You said you had to do it and there was nothing we could have said but that wouldn't have stopped us from trying. We're family, all of us. You, me, Spike, Jules, Ed, Sarge, Sophie, Clark, Shell and the girls. We're all family which means we will help you out of this. I know you will try to reject us after what happened, but kicking and screaming we'll help you because that's what family does."

He stands slowly, trying to see if he left anything out in his message to Sam. Wordy sighs before shaking his head, hoping his teammate got the message, and leaves the room.

* * *

There is nothing more than a solemn nod between teammates before Ed enters Sam room. Hid features are carefully schooled and his arms crossed. As he approaches Sam's bed a small bit of sorrow leaks through his tough guy mask. Instead of taking a seat, Ed decides to stand near the bed to have a better look at his fallen teammate.

The team leader reads the suicide note straightaway unlike the others. He knows the reason behind Sam''s actions can be found in the letter, though he has a pretty good idea of what they are already. As he reads the portion of the letter directed at him Ed sighs and runs his hand down his face.

 **Ed:There's nothing you could have done. You've already done so much, been more of a father to me than the General in the short time I knew you.**

Ed runs his hand down his face again. He and Sam are a lot alike. They both love their job but struggle with the shadows it causes in the mind and always give their best. The reason he sort of took the younger under his wing. Though due to his rough around the edges nature, he's perfectly aware of his personality thank you, taking Sam under his wing really meant pushing him harder. The younger man obviously knows the lengths Ed would go through for any of the members of team one. So why didn't he come to him with this?

"I'm going to keep this short ,their's not much else to say that probably hasn't already been said." Ed sighs, "Sam...what the hell? I appreciate what you said in your letter but buddy it's a suicide note. We know from the job, suicides never the answer. So why didn't you come to one of us with this? We're teammates, we got your back." He leans down to clasp Sam's hand. "Buddy when you wake up we're going to fix this, you're going to get help, then I'm going to kick your ass."

Team one's leader lets go of the blonde's hand and backs away from the bed. As he approaches the door to leave he turns to say one last thing.

"We're a team Sam, you've got to know that and come to us with stuff. We've got your back, no matter what."

* * *

Sarge steps forward as soon as Ed exits. He is the last person to see Sam because he knew what the rest of his team needed. Jules is tough and as the blonde's unofficial sibling, and former girlfriend, would have needed to see him first. Spike and Sam are very close but his anger over Lew along with why Sam was there meant he needed a little time to cool off while still needing to be one of the first to see Sam. Wordy would have wanted to put the others first and have time to mull over what he wanted to say. While Ed, as team leader, would want everyone to go first so he could watch over them and their reactions. When it was all said and done, Sarge was the last person by default.

He enters Sam's room, immediately takes a seat by the bed, and begins to read the letter. Greg shakes his head as he reads how Sam "had to do this" and how tired he was. It was disheartening to say the least to hear these phrases coming form his young teammate. They encounter people like Sam everyday. The ones who always feel depression lurking because of things they've done and who just want to rest for a little while.

 **Sarge and Wordy:There's nothing you could have said. I've made up my mind, it's over now. Thank you for listening when I wanted to talk**

Greg sighs, "Yes Sam there is something I could have said, so much." He finishes the letter and puts it into his pocket. "You have to know we care about you and would help you as much as possible. I know you're tired, you want to take a break and stop looking over your shoulder for the demons, but this isn't the way. You know that as much as I do." He pauses, "I know you've got a lot of shadows, everyone does on this job. Your previous one definitely doesn't help but that's what teammates are for. When the shadows become too much and you can barely see, we're there. We'll be your flashlights when it gets too dark and in return you'll be ours. That's what it means to be on a team. You're not alone even if it feels like you are, we'll always be here. I'll always be here. I just hope, in time, we can get you to realize that. We're not leaving you alone Sam, we're here for you."

Sarge grabs his hand, wishing he could just give the younger man a hug. How had it come to this? Actually, how doesn't matter anymore. Helping Sam is the only that matters now and they will.

 **AN: There will be another chapter. Just so you know each member spent about 10 minutes with Sam. Jules and Ed spent a little less, Ed being the least, and Spike spent the most. Ed's part felt a little glossed over to me, let me know what you think. Leave a review about any OOCness and I'll try to edit it. Wordy's character was the hardest to get for some reason.**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Another long one, over 4k. Sorry this is so late, it is the final chapter. Thanks for reviewing, seriously. The reviews of Fairyflowerpothead and Everlost101 sparked the muse for this chapter. The first line break here is a flashback and the second line break is the end of the flashback. Just a little warning there is some cussing in this (though I don't actually cuss irl) and there's some unintentional OOCnes .**

It's near five pm, people are milling about Memorial Hospital visiting loved ones and sneaking them food for dinner. Greg is leaning against a wall in the hallway so he could use the phone. The boss of team one has a worn look on his face from the day's earlier events. Team One had found out that morning that their teammate was much more depressed than they originally thought. Sam Braddock tried to take his own life by jumping off a bridge. Needless to say, it struck all of them hard. They're his teammates and should have seen the signs. Sarge can't help but let his mind wander thinking of what they must have missed and how they could have saved Sam.

"Sarge?" Jules concerned voice brings him out of his internal musings.

"Hey Jules. I'm still here. How was shift? Any calls?"

Greg sent Spike, Wordy, and Jules back to SRU headquarters around eight am after ensuring Sam would be somewhat okay. They weren't happy about it and only agreed to go when they realized he and Ed would take shifts watching their blonde teammate. Due to half of their team being unavailable, team one was placed on standby to serve as back up to team three.

"Uh yea, there was one hot call but team three handled it without our help."

There is a brief lull in conversation as Greg hears who he thinks is Wordy in the background. He glances at the nearly vacant hallway while waiting for the two to finish their side conversation, which was probably about Sam.

Jules began speaking after a few more seconds, "Sarge, how's Sam?"

"He's doing alright Jules. Eddie is with him now, last I saw they were talking."

"That's good." The female member of team one sighs in relief and retells the news to her other teammates.

"Alright Jules, wrap up the shift at the usual time and head on home. Visiting hours are over at eight so you won't have much time if you manage to make it here. I'm sure-"

A wailing alarm cuts off the next thing Greg is going to say. While it definitely draws your attention, something about the alarm seems less urgent and morbid than the usual code blue for someone dying. Instead a voice comes over the intercom saying:

 _ **Code Yellow. I repeat Code Yellow. I need three male orderlies to room 412 ASAP. I repeat three male orderlies to 412 ASAP.**_

"Boss what's going on," Jules's voice sounds extremely concerned, "Isn't 412 Sam's room?!"

Greg moves his hand to hang up the phone, "Don't worry Jules. I'm sure it's nothing serous but if it is I'll be sure to call you all as soon as possible. I have to go so I can check on Sam. Stay there and stay on shift. I'll call as soon as I can."

He hangs up without letting her get another word in and runs down the hospital corridor. After a few twist and turns,it was a long way to find an open public phone, he arrives outside of Sam's room. Greg's eyes visibly widen as he balks at what he see.

Ed is being forcibly removed from Sam's room by one of the guards while three male orderlies, two nurses, and a doctor try to calm Sam down. Team one's leader looks far from pleased but lets the security guard lead him from the room with an arm on his bicep. It's obvious Ed is willingly leaving the room, the bicep grip the young guard has on him is all too easy to break if he tried. Sam's willingness is an entirely different story.

The blonde SRU agent is currently standing by the window of his hospital room. The IV, which appears to have been ripped from his arm, is dangling from the pole next to the bed. The sheets are laid on the floor haphazardly, the lone chair is knocked to the ground along with the table and tv, and Sam himself is very angrily punching the window. The entire scene is confusing in itself causing Greg to panic at what could have happened. Has Sam changed his mind about committing suicide and decided to try again? With a deep breath Sarge takes in his surroundings again.

No, that's not what's happening. The items in the room knocked over in an rage infused way and if Sam wanted to kill himself again he wouldn't have drawn attention to himself. Even when drowning in pain he thinks things through. Then there is the fact that Ed has just left the room and there's no way Sam would have tried to kill himself in front of one of his teammates. The deciding factor of Greg's impromptu profiling is Sam's face.

The young blonde agent is still pounding the glass with both fists while the hospital staff shouts at him to calm down. His face is clearly visible in the window's reflection. Greg steps closer to the glass wall of room 412 to get a better view. Team one's boss blocks out the flurry of activity, of passerby stopping to take in the scene and Ed leaning against the nurses station, to study Sam's face. The young man doesn't have a tortured expression, there is no bone shaking sorrow reflected in his eyes. All there is is pure anger and a touch of hatred. At first glance you would assume the blonde is simply staring at his own reflection, directing the feelings of hate and anger to himself. If you look a bit closer you'll find discover that Sam is staring into the distance. His eyes, thought the most expressive Greg has ever seen them, are unfocused. Sam isn't look at himself. Whoever has him so pissed off can be seen only by Sam, they weren't physically there only in his mind, and the look on his face means they better hope they're never in the room with Sam.

"Okay that's it!" The doctor began speaking in a commanding tone, "Samuel if you won't calm down then we'll have to sedate you and tie you down again."

There is no response from the blonde. He didn't even turn his head to acknowledge that the doctor spoke and simply continued to punch the window. The doctor purses his lips and gestures with his hand for the orderlies to move forward and nurses to move back. The male orderlies only mange two steps before Ed brushes past the nurses and into the room.

The doctor begins to protest but Ed cuts him off. The team leader has a stern yet understanding expression on his face.

"Sam!" Ed yells his name to get his attention, "That's enough."

Braddock turns to face his pseudo father figure. Some of the anger fades from his eyes but can still be seen. He cocks a blonde eyebrow at Ed before turning back to the window and giving it one more final punch. The blonde then turns back around fully and simply sits on the bed. Ed gives him a tight smile, glad his young teammate got rid of some stress but also knowing the price Sam's knuckles had to pay, and nods back.

The doc sags with relief and motions for the nurses to fix the room. He goes to a cabinet in the room to grab some bandages for Sam's hand.

"What was that about Sam?"

Blue eyes turn to gaze at the doctor, "It was nothing Dr. White, just needed to blow off a little steam."

"Well Samuel, next time you need to 'blow off steam' you need to tell the nurses. We can work something out that doesn't result in injuries." The doctor sits in the chair next to his patient's bed.

"I wasn't going to try to kill myself again and I wasn't going to hurt anyone here."

Dr. White sighs as he grabs the young man's hand. He carefully cleans the knuckles and begins to wrap them. "But you did hurt someone, your self. Purposefully or not, you probably fractured your hand by punching the window." He finishes wrapping the hand quickly then stands. "I'll give you a bit more time to calm down. You have ten minutes, then two orderlies are coming to take you down to xray for your hand."

Sam flexes his knuckles, testing out the bandages. "Okay doc." The blonde then stands so the nurses can redress the bed. As soon as they're finished, he lays down on the bed and faces the wall, fists clenched.

Greg, who has been standing near the doorway observing this whole time, calls for Ed and Dr. White to follow him into the hall. They stand off to the side of the nurses station out of view of Sam.

Dr. White sticks his hand out to Greg, "Hello, I'm . I am the current attending and took over Sam's case from for the evening. Don't worry he filled me in on everything."

Greg politely shakes his hand and introduces himself, then Ed dose the same.

"How is he Dr.?"

"Well overall he's doing well. His conscious decision to not try to commit suicide again, despite whatever happened to set him off, is a very good sign. Per hospital policy I'm required to keep him for a minimum of two days but would like to keep him for a week, especially just now. He needs counselling with stress and anger management classes to know what to do when overwhelmed. Sam will be ready to go home by the end of the week, well unless he checks out AMA."

Ed interjects, "He won't."

Dr. White shakes his head, "No. I don't suppose he will. With enough support he'll realize being in the hospital longer is for his own benefit."

"So you don't know what happened doctor?"

"Sorry Mr. Parker. I wasn't in the room and wasn't called until a nurse paged me after Sam's heart rate spiked then the equipment turn off."

Greg turns to Ed, who he knows was in the room at some point. Leaving the room for coffee and to call Jules was really a ploy at getting the two to talk. He knew the team leader and young blonde had something to work out but never expected it to end like this.

He sighs, "What happened Eddie?"

Ed leans against the wall in the hallway, "Sam was just doing what I told him to do, blowing off some steam."

* * *

Greg sits in the chair next to Sam's bed. He's been trying to initiate conversation with the young man but other than a few nods for yes or no it hasn't gotten to far. Sam also hasn't confirmed or denied being able to hear team one giving him assurances when he was unconscious. The silence seems to be one two parts thoughtful and one part disappointment. If Greg had to guess it would be disappointment in himself for thinking he needed to resort to suicide.

The boss is pulled out of his thoughts by Ed returning. They had agreed, as the two leaders of team one, to take shifts in sitting with Sam. Greg is sharp though. He noticed the tension in the air whenever he returns to Sam's room and Ed leaves. Sarge knows Ed is taking Sam's attempted suicide harder than the rest of the team would think. He's the team leader. Isn't he supposed to be close with the rest of the team? As team leader Ed should have a sense of when anything is wrong with one of the agents under him. How could he have missed that? How could _they_ have missed it? Either way, Ed and Sam both clearly have some things they need to get off their chests.

He stands from the chair, says good bye to Sam, and makes his way to the door. Before leaving he turns back for another look. Maybe when Ed finishes saying whatever it is he needs to say Sam will have told someone _why_ exactly he tried to kill himself. With a sigh, Greg leaves the room and heads for coffee then to the nearest public phone to check on the rest of the team.

Ed walks into Sam's room and watches as Greg stands to leave. Instead of taking Greg's recently vacated chair, he stands near the bed with his arms crossed. Neither notice the peculiar look Sarge gives them and spend the next few minutes in silence. On any other occasion the quiet may have been peaceful but in this case the air just became tenser as time passed.

Suddenly Sam, who has been sitting up, swings his head to the left to gaze at Ed.

"Say what you need to say Ed?"

Lane tilts his head upwards and crosses his arms tighter. "Don't know what you're talking about Sam."

"Please, we all know you have something to say."

"I already said my piece. Which you know because I know you heard everything we said when you were unconscious."

The blonde's eyes flicker slightly as he wonders if he should deny it or not. "Yea I did, which is how I know you have a hell of a lot more to say."

"Why'd you do it Sam?" He looks at the young man but is met with more silence.

Sam's hands are gripping the hospital sheets and there is a far away look in his eyes. Ed sighs again. So he was right, the team messed up and he majorly f-ed up being the team leader. Was it something he said that pushed Sam over the edge? Either way, he thought the blonde was stronger than that, much stronger.

His teammate's now flat voice brought him back to reality, "I know what you're thinking." Sam is still staring off to the side of Ed instead of looking directly at him. "You're wondering how I got so weak. Trying to figure out what zapped my strength and caused me to try to kill myself." The younger man scoffs bitterly, "Yea well so am I."

The team leader sighs, runs his hand down his face and begins to speak, "Alright Sam. What the hell _were_ you thinking?" He crossed his arms again, donning his usual defiant and stubborn stance, "We're a team! We're responsible for each other, we've got each other's backs! Did you just not give a shit about us? You took the time to write a note but didn't think it through! We knew something was off and trusted you to come to us before it got bad, that's on us." Ed pauses trying to see if he's getting through to Sam. Unfortunately, the kid's got a good poker face. "A team is based on trust. You should have trusted us, me as team leader, to have your back. You didn't. Instead you did something stupid and landed yourself in the hospital and on mandatory psych leave. So yea Sam, you're right. I was wondering how you became weak enough to take your own life and how we became weak enough to not stop you." The older man pauses again, drops his arms trying to soften his features. "Then that little voice we all get in our heads, the one that sounds like Sarge, said you didn't become weak, you're just human. We all f-ed up, we all failed." The me especially went unsaid but was heard. They both knew the person Ed was mad at the most wasn't Sam it was himself.

Sam adjusts his gaze to meet Ed's eyes. He didn't like what he heard and doesn't like what he sees.

"It's not your fault Ed."

"Never said it was."

"Yea you did." Ed tilts his head a bit higher, mask back in place, they know each other well. "You're team leader but you can't be responsible for _everything_ we do. I made this choice and told you in my letter there was nothing you could have done. This ones on me. You've already done too much anyway." He smiles slightly.

Ed's fumes to himself at the self depreciation in Sam's voice. Sam wants to convince him the team isn't at fault, fine. He wants to say he doesn't blame Ed as team leader, okay. Problem is, if Sam isn't blaming anyone it's pretty obvious he's blaming himself. The ever bleeding heart. The blonde makes sure no one else feels the blame but will blame himself, though it's quite clear someone else had a hand in this, for becoming suicidal. _Go ahead, convince me it isn't my fau_ lt, Ed thinks, b _ut remember two can play at that game. We're a lot alike so I know you tried your hardest. I also know something must have happened to push you over the edge._

"Alright Sam, it wasn't my fault. It wasn't the teams fault. We did are best and what happened happened."

Sam frowns,clearly not following the sudden repetition of the point he thought he already made. "Exactly. I'm not pissed at you guys. All of you made sure I knew I could come to you." They stare at each other for a few seconds, neither good at sharing feelings but wanting to clear the air. Ed tries to mentally will Sam to tell him what happened. It seems to work because the blonde suddenly speaks again.

"A few weeks ago the General called." Ed tries to not let his complete and utter dislike of the General show on his face. "He said Nat got in a wreck, they admitted her to the hospital but I couldn't see her until I quit the SRU. I tried one weekend but he used his influence and circulated my picture so I couldn't get in. I managed to get a nurse, someone I know, to update me and send me a picture of Nat. It wasn't good, there was a lot of damage. The doctors were doing everything they could but uh, yesterday she died.' The silence in the room is deafening. "The General called again to tell me and said to him I died with her. He wouldn't give me any information about the funeral, told me not to bother to show up. Nat was the only thing keeping him from disowning me long ago."

The blonde takes a deep breath and runs his hand down his face. "I don't care about being disowned, he stopped being dad and became The General a long time ago. But not being able to say good bye to Nat, the only person in my family who gave a damn about me, that _hurt_."

Ed grinds his teeth together. How could someone do this to their own kid? It's painfully obvious now that the General didn't want kids, he wanted soldiers. Sam never did take well to authority. _Good we're on the right track now._ Ed thinks _._ _He's pissed, I just need to show him that he shouldn't be pissed at himself._ Before he could speak, Sam continues.

"I should have been pissed." The blonde gets a faraway look in his eyes once again. "But I couldn't stop thinking out everyone I didn't get to say goodbye to. I thought about it all night and eventually found myself on the bridge staring into the water." He sighed, closes his eyes then reopens them showing Ed's own righteous fury his blue eyes. "Then when I woke up I was angry at myself for doing it. It's obvious now it was all _his_ fault. I can't believe I let him crush me so much I tried to kill myself." The blonde pauses. "I could kill him." Ed doesn't doubt it, the whole team will want to once they hear this. "But it would be the same as committing suicide, he would be taking the rest of my future." Sam stares straight into Ed's eyes, nothing but rage and sadness show in the blonde's eyes. "So what do I do Ed? How do I get over this utter rage? If I ever see him again he's dead."

Ed crosses his arms again but in determination. "You do what you have to do. Let off some steam, destroy a few things if you need to. When you see The General next, because you're going to the funeral, you just remember how the bastards stolen enough of you're life so far. Killing him would just be giving him the rest." Sam mulled over Ed's words then nodded stiffly.

"Blow off some steam, we'll handle the rest."

Sam rises from the bed slowly under Ed's watchful gaze. He walkes over to the door, knowing Sam has a lot of anger to work through and the result won't be pretty.

* * *

"Then Sam knocked some things over and begun punching the window."

Sarge shakes his head, "I didn't think the General was _that_ cruel." Greg would give anything to be in his son's life, seeing people throw their parenthood away always irked him and he lets out a sight, "Next time, don't tell him to destroy things. He could have gotten injured and now I have to write up an expense report for the damage. Then I have to explain why I said Sam would be fit to return to work after a while when he lost it before leaving the hospital."

Shrugging, Ed smiles wanly. "Just tell them he'll be fine. Now, I need to go get him some info about his sister."

The team leader leaves with a quick goodbye to Greg and the doctor. Leaving the two to discuss the remainder of Sam's care. Dr. White makes if clear Sam won't be leaving for a while if there are any more incidents like what just happened. He's nice but firm. Greg even has to push for consent to take the blonde on a day trip from the hospital, if he's still admitted by then,to attend the funeral and even then the doctor only yielded because he thought it essential for Sam's recovery.

 **The next day**

Sam was "relaxing", per doctor's orders, in his hospital room when the entire team, besides Ed, bursts through the door. The doctor must have changed the rule, usually he only allowed two people at max in the room at the same time. He would have questioned it but stops when he notices the team's quite demeanor. The blonde looks around the group for an answer. While they all meet, and hold, his gaze, no one speaks up. He begins to wonder if they are just going to stand in silence all day when Ed entered the room.

The leader moves to the front of the group to stand next to Greg. He holds a manila envelope out for Sam to take. The blonde is surprised to find car rental paperwork, and post it note from Winnie with a date and address on it inside the envelope.

"Sarge convinced the doc to let you out next Wednesday." Sam lifts his gaze from the ticket to Ed. "After some hunting, with help from Winnie, I found out your sister's funeral is then at a local church. We're going with you."

The blonde looks startled briefly, not having expected them to go with him, but didn't question Ed's no nonsense tone. He attention shifts from Ed to Wordy when the man begins to speak.

"Shelly wants you over for dinner the night you get out of the hospital." The blonde opens his mouth to protest but is cut off. "There's no use arguing about it. That was already a compromise because Sophie told Ed you're spending the week once your released."

Slack jawed in shock, Sam turns his stare back to Ed who just chuckles and shrugs.

"Then after that Jules and I are staying at your place for a while." Spike smiles while swinging an arm over Jules shoulder. She continues for him.

"Yup. It may be cramped but you won't get rid of us."

Greg took a small step forward, drawing everyone's attention. "Like we said Sam, we're all family and we're going to help you through this, including the funeral Wednesday."

Sam blinks hard a few times. There aren't too many people in his life who would stick by him no matter what. The few he had once upon a time were dead and everyone else didn't seem to care. His own father didn't care. His mother acted like she did but was more concerned with appearances than her own son. The blonde blinks a few more times trying not to cry. If a few tears somehow manage to slip out no one mentions it.

 **AN: And done. Please review to tell me what you thought. Sorry for any spelling/grammar errors and about killing Nat (it just fit where I was trying to go). Also, I haven't even seen the General in the show yet (does he make an appearance) but Sam's mentioned him once or twice. I chose him as the bad guy because I read sooo many fics where he was and from what I've heard on the show it, once again, just fit where I wanted the story to go.**


End file.
